Editors Note The Evil Dr. Dice is the arch-nemesis of our Secret Agent Academy Camp and Grand Lead Counselor of our Evil Secret Agent Academy Camp. We’re contractually obligated to give him one blog per year (check out past blogs). Though he bears a striking resemblance to our founder, Tony Deis, he is in no way the same person or even an evil doppelgänger clone from the original rejected pilot of Orphan Black.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am evil. To make it diabolically clear, I legally changed my first name to Evil and my middle name to Dr. (Apparently internet degrees don’t make you a “real” doctor).
My curriculum vitae outlines all my distinguished evilness. For funsies I pick all the strawberries in the patch before any happy children can. I frequently drink coffee made by large corporations (though in the early 2000’s I oft squatted at the original Stumptown while artisanally crafting my MySpace profile). I also use pretentious words like curriculum vitae.
Plus, I once nearly blew up the moon… twice. And I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling kids from the Trackers Secret Agent Academy.
Speaking of Trackers Earth, I’ve been their arch-nemesis in a game of cat and mouse for over 10 years; I was Tom to their Jerry. I watched them start out as a bunch of despicable do-gooder hippies with a dream of old-school outdoor adventure connecting kids to nature. A granola-munching agenda, if ever I saw one.
Consider camps like Stealth, Archery and Wilderness Survival where kids “get back to nature” and learn traditional outdoor skills. Aren’t the youth of our world better off watching the 22-minute cartoon commercials produced by my children’s programming subsidiary?
Alas, Trackers Earth has foiled my dastardly plots on numerous occasions!
But now, after 10 Years of Trackers, I may have finally won. While no one was watching, the scrappy Trackers that started in the basement of a Burning Man artist collective has grown into a well-known and respected “brand”. They have camps up and down the west coast, a Policies & Procedures manual, fans on Facebook, followers on Twitter… they even do the Instagrams. It doesn’t get more evil than that, does it? Mwah-ha-ha.
The irony? I didn’t have to lift a finger. You did it. You, the families and students who made them a resounding success of corporate capitalism.
Sure, Trackers Earth does some things that make them very-opposite-of-evil and uncorporate-like, such as:
- Giving away nearly $60,000 in scholarships in 2014.
- Finding new ways to employ more year-round staff for program quality and community resilience; putting stability of livelihood first.
- Putting land in conservation dedicated to kids and outdoor education.
Finally, there’s this nefarious “Trackers Community”: an ever-expanding family that takes priority over profit. Why, it’s as if this organization exists simply to support a growing community of outdoor education.
Grrr, arg! The hippie dream is still alive!
Okay, okay, so Trackers has yet to sink behind the odious veil of corporate personhood. Yet I am patient. I have waited 10 years and I can wait longer. It’s only a matter of time until the siren’s song of success corrupts their structure of agile creativity, familial connection and community-driven culture.
In the meantime I will pursue my evil plans with even more Gusto (I cloned several copies of my minion whose name is Gusto). Since Mars is all the rage these days, I plan to steal a rocket from Elon Musk and claim the red planet for the small Bavarian city-state I rule with an iron pinky finger… darnit, I got to get this monologuing habit under control!
Oh well, it’s no secret that my evil entourage and I are scheduled to attend Trackers Earth’s 10th Anniversary Family Campout on September 11-13, which sounds super fun. Make your reservations soon and I hope to recruit you there!
The Evil Dr Dice took over Lutras Enterprises after defeating his ill-tempered Prussian father in 1987. Since then, he has worked hard to fill those hallowed shoes. His goal of world domination has driven him to earn several PhDs (which he swears are more than just internet degrees). He enjoys building doomsday devices, listening to Cat Stevens, and torturing the local populations of mimes.